(This post was finished and then not surprisingly I forgot to post it. I decided to post it anyway , so here it is a month-plus overdue so be aware that things referring to recent time actually happened in early November)
“Who, by worrying, can add one hour to their life?” Mt.6:
I know I can’t but it doesn’t stop me from trying some weeks. I am amazed at my capacity to do things that I know are at best useless and at worst destructive when life gets tough. It’s like a low place in my life, where if I am not actively choosing to do what is good and helpful I will roll right downhill into that low spot.
This has been a doozy of a week for many reasons including much busy-ness, administrative failure on my part (forgot to email AN IMPORTANT form to an insurance company), two daughters in a play (performing this weekend), a middle school science fair project (everyone groan along with me), two rapidly approaching SAT subject tests for eldest child ( today), and a two day, midweek visit to the hospital to confirm that my husband did not have a heart attack but is low on potassium and needs to work on stress reduction. It’s just one of those weeks that forces you take stock of exactly what is going on!
The funny thing is that we are not unhappy or discouraged per se, just feeling the pressure, that slow, cold, suffocating pressure to not “screw everything up!” In a running total from last week, I am the only one who actually failed big-time, everyone else has just been intensely cranky/stressed about their respective responsibilities.
It’s intriguing to me how God works in the midst of our chaotic little lives. Out of everyone in our family, I am the one who has the biggest ” I failed!” phobia and God graciously gave me the chance to face that fear and handle it. With grace and peace? Oh no, major meltdown, tears, rage, silence, hysteria, the works. Basically demonstrating for my children every behavior I have ever told them was unacceptable is a crisis. Let’s be clear, the problem my clerical error has caused will be costly and difficult if not impossible to rectify but it’s not the end of the world.
Truly, we don’t know when the end of the world will be (the Bible says so) but based all my research it won’t be as a result of an administrative error on my part. But hearing that Mike’s EKG looked “a little bit abnormal” was a healthy dose of perspective. As I said, he is fine, his heart looks good, they couldn’t find any of his old EKGs to see if his heart always looks that way on a EKG so the whole “abnormal” thing may be just how it is, and his symptoms have resolved. I am glad. I AM SO GLAD. Ironically, in the hospital I experienced great peace and a sense of God’s presence. I was calm and encouraging. Lovely friends here in Sharpsville picked up our boys from school. took them home, delivered dinner to our girls at play practice, and called everyone from Bible Study to say it was cancelled, and generally covered the uncovered bases. I AM LOVED.
So I am asking myself, why if I make a mistake do I feel like the world is coming apart? Why can I say with my brain, it will be all right but inside me I want to just die? This is my homework during my prayer time and in my life in general right now, to pay attention to this low spot and ask God to fill it.
love,
Nicole
Here are few photos to fill you in on daily life too…
Ano Loves being a farm dog. I take him for walks everyday. He especially likes the miniature horses (maybe because they are close in size?)
Ano’s new favorite pose.
Our beautiful Tessa, ready to go to the homecoming dance.
FPCS does an annual “Trunk or Treat” in the parking lot.
Pastor/Pirate Mike and Sophia serving food
A scary crew of Pirates and rabble rousers ( Our family plus extra FPCS youth)
FPCS gave Mike a tree (river birch) for “pastor appreciation day”. We went out the farm to plant it a few days after.
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